Doctor Grumpy in the House

Dr. Grumpy: "How bad is your insomnia?"

Mr. Ambien: "It's a problem, but I try not to lose sleep over it."

Mrs. Rock: "I don't want to start any new medications. I've been taking Clomid, and am trying to become pregnant."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Mrs. Rock: "I've been on it for 2 months now, and it still hasn't worked."

Dr. Grumpy: "Has your husband been checked out?"

Mrs. Rock: "Oh, he's overseas for the year."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then, um, why are you taking Clomid?"

Mrs. Rock: "So I can get pregnant. That's what Clomid does. This way I can get pregnant without a guy."

Yes, nothing says "Peace and Goodwill" this time of year more than an octogenerian grandmother driving a 1983 Buick with a prescription windshield nearly mowing my kids down in the Costco parking lot to get a space 8 feet closer to the door (and then flipping Marie the bird).

Or people trying to commit homicide with a Christmas tree ornament.

Thank you, Janine!

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Worried: "Hello, um, my husband sees Dr. Grumpy."

Annie: "Yes?"

Mrs. Worried: "Anyway, on Thanksgiving, after dinner, he had slurred speech, and was dragging his left leg. It hasn't gotten better yet."

Annie: "That was 4 days ago. Did you go to the hospital?"

Mrs. Worried: "No, it was, you know, a holiday weekend, and I didn't want to bother the doctor. He works hard enough."

Annie: "Okay, let me check with Dr. Grumpy, but it sounds like you're going to need to go to ER."

Mrs. Worried: "There were also some Black Friday deals I didn't want to miss."

Santa Claus is (roughly) 1700 years old. He's changed dramatically over time, from his original name of St. Nikolaos of Myra to the guy we see in department stores and selling Coke on TV.

So it was only a matter of time before the A-word caught up with him, too.

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Thank you, Susan!

Over the weekend I was doing some research surveys, and encountered this question:

"If there was no PET scan machine available, would that prevent you from ordering one?"

As many of you have noticed, Officer Cynical shut down his blog. However, I'm honored that he's asked me to publish some rants for him. So today I'm going to feature his ramblings in place of my own. Take it away, Officer!

1. If you're in line at the grocery (or wherever), waiting to pay for your crap at the one open cash register, and then they open a second register and say "I can help the next person", that means they can help the next person in line - the one behind the person who's already paying at the previously sole register. It does NOT mean they can help the person at the back of the line who's been waiting a shorter period of time than everybody else in line. Where the hell have people gotten the idea that a newly opened cash register is for the person at the back of the line?

2. If you're merging onto the interstate (AKA freeway, AKA the "I"), it's your job to MERGE. It's not the job of everybody else to slow down, move over, or anything else. This is usually best accomplished by accelerating up to speed that allows you to fit into a space between two other cars already in the righthand through lane. It is NOT a good strategy to just move over into through traffic when you're doing, say, 35 mph, and those in the righthand lane are doing 60. And, in the name of all that's holy, don't hit the brakes at the end of the entrance ramp because you're scared to merge. The people behind you, who are correctly accelerating up to speed and looking for a place to merge, will tend to hate you and wish you ill.

3. If you've successfully gotten onto the interstate/freeway/"I", please pretend these signs (see attached) actually exist, and heed them.





4. Not being one to send e-mail to porn sites, how did "Ass_Titties" and "HornyGirlHere" get into my list of Hotmail contacts?

It was the late 80's, at Big State University.

As best I remember, it was a pretty ordinary day. I'd had a few medical school interviews the week before, and was trying to catch up on stuff now. I was taking a jazz class, which required me to listen to several hours of records during the semester. So I spent a big chunk of the afternoon in the music library.

I remember it was late, around 6, when I finally finished. I owed my roommate beer, and so I stopped at a store, then headed back to the apartment.

When I finally got home my roommate was at his desk. He was in architecture, and was always working on something. I walked in and said hi. He said "your Dad called, asked you to call him back", and was back to his work.

I began putting the beer in the fridge, and called home. My Dad answered, and when I said "Hi" he paused and then said "Ibee Grumpy, your life has changed forever."

I'd been accepted to medical school.

It's hard to remember all the feelings that went through me. Relief, happiness, nervousness, and an overwhelming gratitude that I'd remembered to buy beer that night. It wasn't great beer, but hell, it was still beer.

I'd tried to get in the year before. Applied to 18 schools, got 2 interviews, accepted to none.

This year I'd applied to, I think 25 or so schools. I got interviews at 10-15, and spent a lot of time flying all over the country. I'd even applied to law school as a back-up (got in, too).

I don't remember much about the rest of the school year. My grades took a dive, since I only cared about passing now. I went to more parties. Baseball games were free at my school, so I went to them, too. One involved me sitting through a record downpour with maybe 10 other fans until they called the game in the 5th.

It's been a helluva ride.

All right, fans, I've been busy preparing the 2011 edition of the Dr. Grumpy Gift Guide, but it won't be ready for a few days.

However, for those of you already looking for information on semen-shaped jewelry, pink & green men's slacks with giraffes on them, alarm clocks that run away from you, and the other fine products I've featured in the past, there's now

(drum roll)

The Dr. Grumpy Gift Guide page!

It covers my recommendations from 2009 & 2010, and you can visit it by clicking on the above link, or by looking for it down on the right sidebar.

Happy shopping!

I have no idea what to say. Just read it.

Thank you, everyone who sent this in!

So I was surfing Amazon for one of the naval fiction books I like. Check out the awesome "bargain" deals on this one!

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I could be up all night wondering which I should order...

We will never know exactly when it happened, but in my opinion it was the most important event in human history.

Somewhere, probably in Africa (maybe Asia), there was a meeting.

A branch of the primate family that had started walking upright, and a cousin of the gray wolf, first set eyes on each other. And both realized this relationship had potential.

The records show we've been together for at least 15,000 years, but I suspect dogs (and their ancestors) have been leading us around for much longer. It's impossible not to see how useful they must have been as an alarm system and hunting partner going back to our cave days. And being with us gave them steady access to a food supply. So this has been a win-win relationship from the start. Dogs gave humans a better chance to survive, and vice-versa. So we grew up together.

When humans first came across the Bering Strait, they brought dogs with them. There's even the possibility that they couldn't have made the trip without dogs to pull their sleds.

Most relationships would get old after this long, but not us. If anything, our need for them has increased over time, but in different ways. We may not need hunting partners as much, but their incredible skills for guide/assistance animals, security, search & rescue, and many other jobs, make them invaluable.

Sometimes they can even drive us around (Thank you, Doreen!)

But the most basic part of the deal is still companionship. Humans seem to have an instinctive need for different species companionship. And they like us, too. Because of the nature of the Grumpy household (3 dogs) there is inevitably at least one in our bed at night, and another in a kid's bed. There's something very primordial about dozing off next to a dog. You can envision our mutual ancestors in a cave, with a fire in the background, huddling together with a wild dog for warmth. And as you fall asleep, the dog has one eye on the entrance to warn you of danger.

And on that note, for those of you who didn't notice her name added last month, I'd like to introduce Mello:




How much is that doggy in the window?


Mello is maybe 2 years old, and was found wandering downtown Grumpyville by employees at Mrs. Grumpy's job. She had no collar or chip, and after combing through multiple lost pet sites, and looking for "lost dog" signs, we were unable to locate her owner. So she has now joined Snowball and Cooper in the Grumpy insane asylum.





Making herself at home.

She is an awesome dog, and we are lucky to have her. Great dogs can be found anywhere. All of the Grumpy dogs have been rescue animals, and if you're looking for a new companion, I recommend adopting from your local shelter.

You (and your new friend) will be thankful you did.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The lady in this picture:

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A. Is doing the neurology mating ritual.

B. Will be electrocuted if she touches a light switch.

C. Hates shag carpeting.

D. Is performing an interpretive dance to "If I Only had a Brain"

E. Is supposed to have Restless Leg Syndrome.

"It was a serious fall. I cracked all the tibias in my arms, legs, and back."